JOKES PAGE!!!

4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach.they were all philosophizing on what was the fastest thing in the world.
Seymour said "I tink de fassess ting is thought becas b4 you can tink it,it already thought". Winston said "Na man de fassess ting is a blink cos b4 u tink 2 blink you dun blink already". Delroy said "Na man de fassess ting is helectricity becas when u turn on de lite it travel fass and de lite come on". Leroy say "na man de fassess ting is diarrhoea" "DIARRHOEA!" they all say. "yes coz last nite b4 i cud tink,blink or switch on de lite me shit meself"

Mate.......

Seriously you need to get out more!!!!!

O YOU GOTTA LAUGH MAVERICK


Two irishmen find a mirror in the road. 1st one picks it up and says "i know this face but i can't put a name to it". 2nd one picks it up and says "you daft bastard its me!".

2 irishmen in a cave...
1 says to the other.......
"it's bloody dark in here isn't it"
The other 1 replies.....
"Fucked if I know,I can't see"

HER* DIARY:

Wednesday 6th May

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
Shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested
we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem
himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to
me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He
dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.







* MAN'S* DIARY :



Wednesday 6th May

Chelsea lost to Barcelona Gutted.
Got a sh*g though

Andover Rider Training

seventy7 wrote:Andover Rider Training

LOL LOL LOL

A man was having an affair with an italian woman. One night she told him she was pregnant, not wanting to ruin his reputation or marriage he gave her money to have the baby in Italy.
If she stayed in Italy he would provide child support until the chid was eighteen.
She agreed but asked how he would know the baby was born. He told her to drop a postcard with the word "SPAGHETTI" on the back.
Nine months later he came home his confused wife said you got a very strange card today. He read the card & turned white & fainted. The card read
SPAGHETTI
SPAGHETTI
SPAGHETTI
two with meatballs, one without.
SEND EXTRA SAUCE!

Whats round and red
A Tomato

A 7yr old and a 4yr old are upstairs, the 7yr old says to the 4yr old. "We need to start swearin, when we go down for breakfast we'll start". At the table mum said to 7yr old "what do you want for breakfast". The 7yr old replied "shit mum i'll have coco pops" WHACK she slaps him round the head and he sat cryin. Lookin at the 4yr old she said "and what do you want for breakfast". he said " don't know but it ain't gonna be fuckin coco pops"!!!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will=2 0later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3

He Said, I Said

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
..I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. .. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

For those who have sons & those who are happy that they don't...

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Fullfillment of a Dream
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

The Vaseline

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......

Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"

2 eggs sitting in a pan of boiling water,

one says to the other I've got a large crack,

other one says don't tease me I'm not hard yet

2 monkeys getting in a bath. One says "Oo oo Ah AH"
The other says "If it's too hot put some bloody cold in!"

Helen snuggled next to me on the sofa & said
"whats on the TV Daz"
I replied
"a layer of dust"
It was then that the fight started..........

Bit confused -is the joke that i snuggled up to you or that there was dust on the TV????

Paddy and Nigel are walking along a beach when they see a huge BBQ and a line of people heading out in to the water.

Nigel: "Struth how do you think we get some of that food?"
Paddy: "I think you got to go join that queue?"

Nigel joins the queue and steps forwards until he reaches the front, when an old religious guy grabs him by his head and dunks him under the water - "Have you seeeeeeen the lord Jesus?"
Nigel splutters "No???"

Religious old guy dunks his head under the water again - "Have you seeeeeeen the lord Jesus?"
Nigels splutters again "NO?????"

For a third time the religious old guy dunks him under the water and holds him there a good 30 seconds - "Have you seeeeeeen the lord Jesus?"



Nigel comes up spluttering and coughing and replies --- "NO ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE THE C*NT FELL IN?"

Hells-Bells wrote:Bit confused -is the joke that i snuggled up to you or that there was dust on the TV????

Helen

I've just had to explain yours and Darren's exchange to my missus...yeah, you know the one. And no, she still doesn't get it!

Not sure if the jokes on me now?! LOL

Bill and Ben the Flower pot men
Bill turns to Ben and says "Flobbadob"
Ben replys to Bill "If you love me you will swallow it!"

********BREAKING NEWS***********

Chaos reigns at the Winter Olympics!! After the death in the luge, the Irish bobsleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first!!

A spokeman for the team said "The whole course is a deathtrap, slippery as hell it twas"

Three blind drunk mice

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends. He turns and replies:

"I'm going home to shag the cat."